~changes~

Well, I can honestly say that I’m glad that Christmas is over.

This has been such a hard, stressful time for me lately, and I’m not really sure why that is. I have a tendency to get a little down and out this time of year for some reason, and it’s just been worse this Christmas than usual. I think it really started with a conversation that I had with my grandmother a while back. She has Parkinson’s Disease – a medical condition that causes severe shaking of the hands. (Michael J. Fox and Muhammad Ali also suffer from Parkinson’s Disease.") So severe, in fact, that she doesn’t want to eat in front of anyone, & she refuses to go out to eat in public. She told me that she’s thinking about moving herself into a nursing home because she feels like she can no longer take care of herself. She told me that even her normal daily activities are becoming more and more difficult – she’s almost burnt herself 3 times recently while trying to fix herself something to eat. My grandmother is like my mom to me – she had a very integral part of raising me. She is the woman that I want to be one day – spiritually strong, independent, loving, and kind to everyone she meets. At the tender age of 92, it amazes me at how independent she is, still.

It hurts me – I mean a deep down, in my heart, hurt – to hear her say these things. I can’t imagine my little grandma in a nursing home. We (her family) help her out, every day, doing the little things for her. We strive to make her feel like its our honor to help her…not a burden…and it is an honor. We empty her trash, fix her food, eat with her, help with whatever she needs help with…but I know it’s hard for her to accept our help. I can tell that she see’s a part of her independence slipping away, very slowly and gradually. My heart hurts, aches, breaks.

This year has also been hard on us (my immediate family) in other aspects, too, that has added to the end of the year blahs. I’m just really ready for a brighter tomorrow – a happier day – a new start. I don’t want to rush time, but I’m ready for 2010.

What will I do differently in the New Year?

1. I will read more.

2. I will laugh more.

3. I will strive to be a better person, both inside and out. (How? That will be my next blog post! :)

4. I will not fear the things that are holding me back (maybe another blog post?)

5. I will grow, personally, by doing certain things that I want to do (yep….maybe even another blog post!).

CHANGES….can be good for the soul….my soul.